When my oldest daughter celebrated her 11th birthday in 2016, I became super emotional and reflective. One of the scariest moments of my life happened in November of 2004 when a sonographer looked at me with a smile and said, “It’s a girl!”. I was 5 months pregnant and up to that point hadn’t even considered the real possibility that this new baby, our second child, might be a girl. My husband is one of 6 boys, and of the then 5 children born to them only one was a girl. I just thought this family only makes boys and I was good with that!
I was almost 22 years old and for maybe the first time, I was forced to see all of my insecurities in a blinding spotlight. I was terrified. I was never very good at relationships with other girls. I had no idea what to do with a girl. The phrase “Awww, you’re getting a mini-you!” was not exciting. This was not a happy thought for me. I didn’t like me!!! I certainly didn’t want to raise (read: ruin) a girl to be like me. At that point in my life, I wasn’t sure who I was, but I knew whoever I was wasn’t “good enough”.
A Scary Realization
From the beginning, my daughter has always challenged me to face my insecurities. Even though she was only 5 pounds at birth (she was born right at 36weeks), she quickly chunked up to be deliciously plump. I remember watching her play with her big brother one day and realizing that I knew how many rolls she had on her side. I knew because I studied her. I studied her perfect face and incredible eyes. Her hair left me in awe and her voice was the sweetest thing.
I was already analyzing her healthy, 10-month-old body because, at that time, I had been struggling with bulimia for nearly 9 years. I was watching her play and my mind was suddenly overwhelmed with fears. That’s when I realized it was me who had a serious problem and if I didn’t fight this battle now, she might have to do it later. It was my job to teach her the truths of body image, self-worth, and identity and if I refused to do the hard work for myself, she was going to learn the warped sense of self I displayed. And that was not an option. So I faced my giants in a long and painful battle but I was graciously rescued. The effects have been lifelong, but God is faithful to redeem.
He revealed to me a major flaw in my approach as a mom of girls. My default was to be hyper-critical of anything in them that reminded me of myself. I thought I needed to “save” them from resembling me because I still hadn’t extended any grace or forgiveness to myself for the issues I had as a youth. I was an emotionally and socially messy teenager! I was full of angst and flailing for attention. I did whatever needed to be done so I could feel loved and I always fell just short. So there was a lot of void.
But parenting out of our own insecurities is a brutal game and the relationship we share with our children will never benefit from such a strategy. Without healing the places that haunt us, we are bound to see them repeated as we perpetuate the cycle of insecurity, disbelief, and offense. Over the years, and especially going through a rough bout of depression, I have put real work into understanding what true identity is.
A Solid Identity
I want nothing more than for my daughters to know their identity – the unshakeable identity given to them by their Creator – and to feel secure in who they are. I pray that they will be rooted in a community who will remind them of truth every time they lose sight of it. I want them to know I understand that they will mess up because we are all broken people in a broken world, but they are not bound to failure and it has no bearing on who or how loved they are. Those truths are unbreakable.
Grace is real. Forgiveness is powerful. Truth reigns. Our lives are not our own but are also meant to benefit the community in which they have been rooted. My healing is not only for my own freedom but it will also give my children the benefit of not having to fight battles passed down to them from their mother. It is only by grace and the work of Christ in our lives that any of this is possible.
I am not the worst thing for my girls. In fact, I am the best. Not because of anything I have done to be the best mom, but simply because our Creator saw it perfectly good to put us together as mother & child. I have a responsibility to teach them what I have been taught. I have the honor of doing everything I can to protect them and nurture them. Everything I do for them is only because that is what has been done for me through the love of a perfect God who is the perfect example of grace and truth and sacrifice.
So as I venture into new phases of motherhood, being a mom of teens and closing the baby phase, I am brought to my knees in both gratitude and desperation. I am beyond thankful for the blessing I have received in each of my children, especially my girls. I am humbled by the honor to raise them and teach them by example. And I am vividly aware of how wonderfully incapable I am to do any of it in my own strength. I am not strong enough for this job! But I am glad to be weak, for when I am, I am teaching the greatest lesson of all – dependence on Jesus and His grace is the very source of all of life.
Prayer For My Daughters
To my beautiful girls: You are exactly who you are meant to be. Your worth will never be in what you do right or wrong or in how you look or in who loves you, but it is found in the fact that your Creator made you in His very image, for His purpose. He covers you with His glory as a daughter of the King. NOTHING can steal that from you. Live out of that identity. Live out of who He says you are. Keep your eyes focused. Do not be swayed by the shallow pleasures this world will hurl at you. You are His. My love for you is a dim representation of how perfectly and abundantly well-loved you are by Christ, but it is the deepest love I have to give. Being your mom has been my most favorite thing!! I am in awe of your beauty and confidence. You make me want to stay on my knees to be the best I can be for you. I love you, Sweet Girls. Always, forever… I’m so glad you were born.
I love you all!
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